Iz ok.

My fingers are trembling as I write this. They dont know what to write. My mind is full of scattered pieces of thoughts just like the shards of glass that are lying on the ground after a long lasting war full of bloodshed. My mind is ordering my fingers to take out the pain inside, through some way and I just cant really tell what is going on but it isn’t nice. The adrenaline rush is taking control over my whole circulatory system and no I am not physically ill, but it is the mental pain that has taken a physical manifestation. How did this happen..

Why are there good days and bad days. Why cant just everything be normal like the line of the ECG machine which is straight as though there is no life. Why cant everything be. Why are emotions so overwhelming? That they overpower every good and bad things in life. How can they be so overwhelming that they have the ability to change your whole psychology?

Why are the days categorized as good or bad? Days are just numbers that will keep increasing until one day when there is no air in the lungs to breathe, no sense in my touch and then they will stop..

Why do I hear people crying at the back of my head when the emotional bloodshed  reaches heights of Mount Everest and then I have to hold my thighs and hug them till the crying and the screaming slowly fades away and nothing but silence remains. Deep, dark, dead silence which has all the dead remains of the war that you fought very bravely ,yet you are still defeated. Defeated… and lying on the ground, lifeless.

Pain is like a never ending addition to the good things.

Like love! Love sounds so magical and god like. It is indeed magical and god like. It makes you feel warm inside. Warmth. Just like the winter sun which one morning  kissed your cheek and put a smile on your face.

But eventually love starts to show its other side. It tells you that you cant always be happy. You cant always be all magical. Things can go really wrong when you love someone. Slowly it starts to intoxicate and starts to take all the smiles away. But it is worth it. Why is it worth living for and fighting for? Why? WHY DOES IT HAVE SO MUCH POWER TO OVERPOWER EVERYTHING?! I KNOW I AM RAMBLING AND IT IS JUST SO CONFUSING AND FRUSTRATING BUT I KNOW IT WILL BE OKAY ASOON AND THEN THNGS WILL BE BACK TO NORMAL AND THEN THE  CYCLE WILL START AGAIN!

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Why does it have to start all over again? *sigh*

I will stop now.

bye.

and yes, it will ok.

 

 

DeCaf

I love these coffee shops. They have something in them that makes me want to come here always and sit here for hours. It’s the vibe here. It’s the sort of the late seventies, with jazz music being played in the background. I can just sit here for four hours and not do anything but just observe people. On one table there is this group of students who just came out of their tuition to have a chit chat about the recent PC console games. On the other, there are two teenage girls who are waiting for their drink so that they can update their snap story (#my second home) and it’s really funny because they come here as scantily as once a month. Then on the other table there are two colleagues who are here to discuss work. One of them is busy explaining the new project that he’s working on. He is that sort of a guy who uses his hand gestures to communicate with his client. It’s fascinating how people choose coffee shops to discuss the presentation that they have been working on for more than a week. AHHHHH….The music here… It’s that typical Chuck Berry singles being played in the background. This just changes the whole perspective with which I’m staring at everyone.   It takes me back to the nineties. Where people are lighting their big cigars to show the size of their pockets. And please don’t misconceive me. These people are filthy rich. I love the lighting here. It’s like the once you see on the streets of Rome or for that matter like the ones you see in a Phill Collins music video. Ah it’s so aesthetic, I love it. They make you feel like you’re on one of the European streets, with old country music and people chit chatting. And everyone has the etiquettes to not talk loudly which makes it barely audible for me to decipher the words coming out of their mouth. I find the names of the drinks here to be very fascinating. They make me feel like I’m ordering a French dish. “Hey, I would like to have a Grande s’mores with extra whipped cream and minimum ice.” For a middle class person these words are like the leather seats of a Rolls Royce on which his back hasn’t rested upon ever. For some people this place is their work place where they can sit for hours, morning to evening completing their presentation. For others it is the key to their teenage fantasies. And yes I did call it their fantasy. For a person like me, it is the place where people can appreciate the beauty of a manmade paradise. Yes, coffee shops are no less than a paradise. It’s the vibe here, the aestheticism, the music, the people , the fragrance of the coffee beans mixed with the colognes that people are covered with, it’s the whole place that makes me enchanted. So come here sometime and just try to look from my perspective. Maybe you’ll get elated….

Where are you now ?

I wish,  
I wish I could tell you  how much I need you , I wish I could tell you how much I love you , how much I miss you , how much my existence is dying for you . Now who’s gonna be there to guide me ? Who’s gonna be there to tell me where I’m going wrong , who’s gonna hug me every morning telling me how much she loves me ? I wish I could tell you how sorry I am , I never meant to do those things to you . I know you’re hurt and my love for you has died . I know that you have found someone else , who has picked up you’re pieces that were once broken by me . I still cry every night thinking about what all I’ve done that has resulted me to sit alone in my class , with you not around . I still look at that empty seat right next to me and go back in time thinking about what all we used to do . How we used to put our heads down , hold our hands , with the spaces between my fingers being filled by yours . How we used to smile by just that one whisper that said those three words . How we used to laugh on all those weird jokes that I cracked  and your reply was always constant ” what have I done that you’re mine .. ” . How we used to sit and just keep smiling at each other without any reason . How everyone used to be jealous of us cause we were the ” Realtionship Goals ”  . Your laugh , trust me , I cry , I cry everyday thinking about your laugh , that I loved to listen to . Your love is now a memory that I will cherish forever and ever . Your eyes are now the ones that my eyes want to come across with . Your lips are the one that my lips want to be touched with . The feeling of home in your arms is the one that my existence needs. . My love for you will never die . I’m sure it won’t . But that is not gonna change the things that I did in the past . Yes , I was a person who didn’t give time , yes I was a person who didn’t bother but trust me ,  I have realised what have I done and that I can do anything to change that . I wish that time went back and I could erase all that , but that is impossible . I wish that this didn’t happen . Now I’m not gonna stay awake all night talking to you and staring at you, talking about the things that you loved doing . The air is now too thin to breathe ,  it is becoming difficult as every day passes by , now my heart always keeps asking me this question that ” where is she ? ” and that I stay silent and never say a word , I just smile and change the topic , because I know if I would tell the truth , it would stop working . You’re not here to hold my hands and tell me that everything is gonna be okay , when things get fucked up . Now you’re not here to hold a candle in your hands and stand by my side when I’m afraid of fighting the dark and tell me that we’re gonna fight it together , when there is no light to be found and when the world goes dark and darker . 

Without any reason

Everyday , as the school ends and all the children move towards their school buses , I wait . I wait for someone special . I wait for someone who’s identity is still anonymous to me . Well without taking much of your time , I would like to tell you about that someone . That someone is a 7 year old girl . I don’t know what is there in that girl that pulls me towards her . 
As I climb the steps of my bus , my eyes wait for her . And as my eyes come in contact with her’s , a big smile comes on my face . No words come out , they never did . We just wave each other , smile and move ahead . Maybe it’s her innocent eyes that are asking for shelter and love , or her beautiful smile that acts like a ray of sunshine , or no , it’s her complete innocence in which I feel like drowning myself . It’s her openness to everything , she doesn’t have any preconceived notions . She’s like a little treasure whom I would like to explore more . She is like a messenger of love and peace , a resting place for innocence on earth , a link between angels and men. 
You see I’m not that fond of children . In fact I don’t even like children , I find children to be very annoying , always crying and crying .  But this girl … I keep on noticing her . She looks outside the window of her seat and smiles . Her eyes always sparkle with anticipation , anticipation of knowing more , of exploring the world . I wish I could see the world through her eyes cause only then I would realise what a beautiful place the world is . 
And still as days pass by and every day at school ends , I still look forward to see that beautiful young girl , to still wave and smile at her without saying a word , who has her own world of imagination and that she still makes me smile 

without any reason . 

My love , aircrafts

  
I guess there is something about these aircrafts that inspire’s me the most . That moment when she takes off and makes the sound , so loud and bold that nothing around can be heard except the voice of her engines . The feeling when one is getting inside her for a flight , it’s like she’s calling that
person to come and have a ride worth life . She is ready to serve that person for the next 8-10 hours . Her nose , so pointed and bold . Her body , so long and comforting . Her tail , so tall and beautiful . Her tail is the place where her identity resides .It’s her rudders , it’s her spoilers , it’s her ailerons , her flaps , her air brakes , her engines ! It’s her ! I love these aircrafts . The moment when she raises her nose slightly to land smoothly on her rear gears and then the nose descends and the front gear touches the ground , my heart just melts . It’s the sound , its the aerodynamics , the design , the care , everything about her !! Why to fall in love with someone when you can fall in love with aircrafts . 

I love you 🙂 

Her eyes

I guess she has somethig in her eyes . Ohhh Yeahhh I remember , she  has her own world in it . A world full of happiness , full of magic , full of beauty , full of her dreams . 

 She has magic in her eyes . I guess that’s the reason I coudn’t stop staring at them in the first place . They are so captivating .  They are eyes of a tigress , fearless and courageous . They are eyes of a princess , beautiful and serene . 
Her eyes are like a deep lake . So deep and dark . Only the brave can make out what’s going  inside them . 

Her eyes have their own vocabulary . What a beautiful language to learn . 

Her eyes are a doorway to her heart . Cause that’s the place where all her love resides . They say everything .

When she’s talking , the person gets confused . Wether to focus on her talks or look at her eyes . 

Her eyes are a drug to me . 

When she’s in pain and trying to hide it , her eyes tell everything . 

She’s a mess of gorgeous chaos and you can see it in her eyes . 

Her eyes are the best poet I’ve ever seen . What poetry do they write . 

The glow in her eyes is all that I want to see . Cause maybe that is the thing keeping  me alive . 

He feels .

He stood there …in silence . His temper was telling everything . The rage and the anger in his eyes were hotter than the core of the earth . He was frustrated . He was shattered . He was broken into pieces. Then something happened .Anonymous came . He stood there . Looked at the same . He was confused . His temper had gone away . The anger in his eyes was nowhere to be found. The dark look on his face transformed into a huge smile . He could feel the cold breeze and the bright sunlight . He was calm . As the anonymous came closer , he started to feel better . With each step , his mood began to enlighten . What is this ? He asked himself . No answer came along the lines . He stood there , free and serene . The anonymous passed by him , hugged and kissed someone else . Went away with the same . Without even thinking about him . He stood there . It was in no time that he burst out , letting go of all the water that was there in his eyes . Everything was demolished . He was no more him . As tears were falling past his face . His long untrimmed nails began to scrape off his own skin . He knew that he was shattered and broken apart , but the pieces that were broken were no where to be found . There was no light for him . ” Not anymore ” he said . There was darkness all around . He couldn’t find any better opportunity . He had raised his hands . He was not willing to suffer more . He gave up . Ran up to the highway , stood right there , with nothing but hurt in his eyes , got crumbled by a truck and died . 

    – Harshdeep Singh ➕✖️

Trying to console myself :D

Well , I believe that there is something more than studies and scoring marks and getting a good percentage or a good CGPA . I have scored 8.0 CGPA . There are many others … Many others in my friend zone who have scored more . Someone has scored 8.4 , 8.8 , 9.0 , 9.4 , 10 and so on . I am so jealous . Trust me I am very jealous and angry at myself . I am angry because I didn’t do anything during the time when all others were doing wonders within themselves , when they were discovering new gems within themselves . Today I’ve learnt something about human nature . I’ve learnt that you do feel bad when your friend fails …. But you feel more baad when the same guy / girl gets more score than you . I knew that this was about to come . And I never wanted it . I don’t want someone else coming up to me and telling me how good they have scored . I know that I’m not good in studies . I know that I’ve taken science as a subject in 11th . And I know that the amount of work that a humanities student has to do to score good , I can only score average in that much amount . I don’t know why !? Why is that education is so important ! It doesn’t even make sense why are we studying about quantum physics or laws of gravity or some war that was fought a 100 years ago . Is that needed in the future ? But still people study . And they score good . Then why am I not able to do that ? Why ? Maybe I’m not that serious .. Maybe I’m taking things very lightly . I am not good in studies ! I know that . Then in what other way is it possible that I can improve my state ? I have to focus on studies . I have to prove to the world . That yes I can do it . That yes there is nothing impossible . Or maybe I can do a better thing . I can focus on studies as well as on my other talents … I can polish the things that are in me . I can polish them to such an extent that they overpower everything else …. I’m writing all this to calm myself down . I’m writing all this to tell myself that no harsh ! There is still something left in you , there is still something that you have and that needs to be developed even more . One more thing .. I think that the people who have earlier seen hardships , who have faced a lot of rejections are coming out as people who are now everywhere . I know that I used to take everything as a joke . Never felt sad , never dropped a tear , never sat alone , never worked that hard , never saw something as ” magnificent ” , never cared about anyone. And now all these things that were faced by the same people earlier are now attacking me . It’s not good to be in such a position . It’s not . Now it is actually the time when I have to face the real world . All that time earlier was a dream world . Now comes the real world . And I know exactly what to do . I have to polish each and every talent in me ,be it even this small . I have to look after my studies as well . I have to work hard . I have to say a yes . Yes to all the difficulties and the hard times that are going to come , to all the rejections , to all the opinions . And I have to convert all of those things to something that is called victory . I am the only one who can do this . No one else can . I am ready . 

                   – Harshdeep Singh➕✖️

You can live your dream ! :D

Someone’s opinion about you does not have to become your reality . Don’t let yourself drown in the noises of these opinions because then you would not be able to hear your own inner voice . I don’t know what is that dream that you have . I don’t know how disappointing it might have been as you’ve been trying to work on that dream . But that dream that youre holding in your mind , ” that it’s possible ” . That some of you already know that it’s hard . It’s hard changing your life . That in the process of working on your dream , you are gonna incur a lot of dissapointments , a lot of failure . They’ll be moments when you are gonna doubt yourself , you say ” why god ? Why is this happening to me ?  I’m just taking care of my mother , my children , my parents ”  . For those of you who have seen some hardships , don’t give up on your dream . 

There are rough times gonna come . But they have not come to stay . They have come to pass . 

Greatness is not , that esoteric , unique , god like feature that only the special among us can have . It’s something that truely exists in everyone .

There are some people who don’t wanna do anything . They just raise a family and then they die . They stop growing , they stop expanding , they stop stretching themselves . And then their are some people who just complaint about everything . They don’t wanna do anything , why ? First is because of  fear . The fear of failure , ” what if things don’t work out ” . And then the fear of success “what if they do and I can’t handle it” . These are not risk takers . 

You spend so much time to get other people to like you . You spend so much time knowing about them . You know about them , you study them , you wanna hang out like them . You’ve spend so much time on them that you’ve forgotten who you are !  I’m asking you invest in yourself . 

It’s very difficult to kill the human spirit . Human spirit is so strong ! 

You have to believe in yourself . You need to invest time in yourself . You need to take that first step in order to live your dream . 

Go out there ! Go ! What are you waiting for ? Are you waiting for the opportunity that you have , to go away from you ? Are you waiting for that ? No ! You need to take that first step . 

You have to believe in yourself that “yes! I can do it ” . You need to watch out for yourself even when the world has turned it’s back on you . 

You have a lot to do ! You have great abilities ! It’s just that you do not know about them till now cause you never spend time by yourself . But trust me , you can live your dream ! You can prove everyone who is  doubting you ” that you can’t do it ” , wrong !

Have faith . Don’t let nobody steal your dream ! Don’t let nobody say , that you can’t do it . If you want something , you want something so bad , then go and get it ! You are the creator of your own destiny ! 

Go ahead my love . Go and grab it . Cause I know you can . 

I love you 

Letter to Michael Jackson

Dear Michael , 

I don’t know where to begin from . Can you please give me your number ? Or your adress ? Well I know that you live in neverland but still , I don’t know maybe you’ve changed your address . First things first , I am a really really really big fan of yours ! I have heard each and every song of yours . Be it your early album “Ben” , or “Dangerous” , or “Bad” , or ” Blood on the dance floor ” , or “Who is it ” , or “You’re just another Part of me ” , or ” Billie Jean ” , or ” Thriller” . I just love all of them ! It’s like they all have that thing in them that makes me wanna dance everytime I hear them . When I’m at my lowest and nothing seems good , I just play your music or watch your videos . They all start working on me and my mood automatically gets good .  

You Michael , are a very good person , a very good person . It sometimes makes my cry to see that yes , people like you exist in the world , who have done so much for others . You helped the poor people in Africa , you helped the sick children of the world , you spread a message of humanity across the globe , you only believed in peace , you are a hero . 

I’ve cried many times thinking of you . I remember , once I was going somewhere in my car and music was on . Heal the world started to play . I cried a lot during that song . I don’t know why . Maybe because of the love that I have for you . I also remember , once I was watching your show on youtube . I believe it was the History Tour and you were performing in Moscow . You were performing ” You are not alone ” . When I second verse started , a girl came running toward you on the stage . She was crying so hard . She was hugging you and kissing you and was not letting you go . She kept on crying and crying and crying . Tears came out of my eyes . I was like ” that girl must’ve been so lucky “. I cried a lot that time. Maybe this time I was so much overwhelmed . 

Michael , I love you . You are someone who people would die to meet . You are not alone . I am here with you . Though you’re far away . I am here this day . You are always in my heart . 

From

Harshdeep Singh ➕✖️